I lived a different life inside of my home than I lived on the outside.

I had to learn how to act, react, and play it cool to avoid getting into fights.

The roller coaster of emotional ups and downs became my everyday reality, but if I mentioned anything to anyone on the outside no one would listen or try to help me.

I was like a hamster living in a spinning wheel. Everything was good for a while and then once again the tension escalated to the point of thinking:

“How much more? Why again?”

Then all the promises of hope, elaborate excuses, declarations of love, and deep apologies followed the fights.
I thought, it is good again, it will change, it will be ok. But after a while, the cycle started spun back again to the beginning.

Zuzanna was 3 years old when I gathered enough strength and power to finally ask my husband for a divorce.

He wasn’t too happy about the idea, but I started insisting and pushing for it to happen.

Finally, one day he said, “Enough, I’m moving out. You talk to the lawyer I’ll sign the paperwork”

My hopes for a future without him made me feel like I could breathe again.
I left for work as usual, with big heart on my shoulders thinking to myself:

“Yes, it will all be fine, no more stress, no more fights, I will work a lot to support my kids, but it will be better”.

Around 4:00pm that day my older daughter Gabriela has called me saying, “Mom, there is blood under your bedroom door. Zuzanka and Robert are in there and I can’t get in”.

My heart stopped, my body started shaking, tears came to my eyes. All I said was: “Call 911.”

I dropped the call and immediately ran to the bathroom. I started shaking profusely, crying and furiously punching the walls.

My boss came up to me asking, “What happened?”

All I could say was, “Something is wrong. VERY wrong. I need to go home now, Zuzanna is in danger. I don’t know.”

My family called me telling me that there were police officers and fire fighters in my house, and they tried to calm me down.
They urged me to stay where I was and that someone would come get me. After what felt like the world’s longest two hours, my brothers finally arrived.

I quickly got in their car and we drove straight to Edwards Hospital in Naperville. No one knew what happened nor could give me any more information.

We walked into the hospital asking for Zuzanna, and the nurse pointed to a room down the hall. I ran into the room to find the doctor standing there.

He ordered me to sit down and I refused. I kept asking the same question:

“Where is my daughter? What happened?”

He looked at me once again and pointed to the chair, I shook my head NO.

“Where is she?”

He took a deep breath and said, “She is dead…”

I looked at him asking, “What? Where is he?”

Doctor answered, “Dead too”.

My whole body started shaking and tears started falling down my cheeks.
I started screaming and punching the walls. I was pacing back and forth and when I could not do that anymore I knelt down. But I could not sit still, so I stood up after kneeling for a little bit and then repeated the cycle.

“What is this? How could that be? What the…?”

After a long while doctor kept talking:

“Your husband stabbed your daughter in her heart and hung himself”.

It was like dream from that moment on;
The police interview.
The wake.
The funeral.
Counseling.
My home was no longer mine. It was just a house now.
Nothing positive remained.
Constant cemetery visits.
A persistent grief.
Blaming myself and others.
Emptiness.
SO MANY DIFFERENT THOUGHTS.

I am still here more than 5 years later,
I get up every morning.
I am working.
And most importantly living every day to my fullest.
Still grieving but it is more manageable now.
And educating myself about all the forms of Domestic Violence.

I am STANDING TALL for my daughter ZUZANKA and being STRONG every day for all the other parents that lost their children to Domestic Violence,

Showing myself and all the people around me that:

“WHAT DOESN’T KILL US, MAKES US STRONGER”

If anyone of you can read my story again, you can see the telltale characteristics of domestic violence and abuse signs that I just pointed out.

I WAS AWARE OF THESE:

But being a victim inside of my own relationship:

I HAD NO STRENGTH,
NO SUPPORT,
NO ASSISTANCE,
NO COURAGE,
NO HOPE.

I was:
AFRAID,
INSECURE.

I MINIMIZED THE ABUSE,
I DIDN’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY,

I was unable:
TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP.
TO WALK AWAY.
TO CHANGE IT.

There are so many people like me that experience similar situations. They also see no way out and are afraid to ask for help.

“Victims” are all around us.

Let’s start seeing them and talk about domestic violence and abuse.
“RAISE AWARENESS FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE”

And teach others how to better:

“POINT OUT AND SEE SIGNS OF IT”

If anyone needs any help or supports my mission of raising awareness for DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and ABUSE.

Please let me know and walk that journey with me.

Kasia Szyszka